The Deeper Me: Lindsay Baumgartner
Posted By: Lindsay
This is Me Ra. I had planned to have Lindsay’s Self Portrait exercise go up yesterday, right in order. But alas, we ran into some difficulties. Thanks for hanging in there with us. After reading Lindsay’s blog post, I can only say this was worth the wait.
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So as you know…the first assignment is a self-portrait and a object portrait. Panic, fear, run for the your life!! That’s what I wanted to do when Me Ra gave me our first assignment. My rationale mind took over telling me it might be a little awkward, not to mention I don’t have the stamina to run up any hill ; )!! You are doing better than me if these were not the thoughts that ran through your mind when you heard those two words. In my dedication to being genuine this year…so here goes another confession. I am terrified of being on the other end of the camera, and even more terrified to show myself to others!! Along with my honesty I am learning that 2010 is going to bring along many changes. One of which is accepting that “change” is painful and inevitable. This weekend I learned to own that fear, and harness it for change. I will explain what I mean in more detail in a couple of weeks. Stay tuned!!
I am literally soaring as I write this. No really…I am airborne headed for Seattle after a most amazing weekend. I am clicking away on my computer in the silent noise of the darkened airplane. Others sleep around me as I am flying high on what might be one of the most draining and enriching weekends of my adult life. I had the dazzling pleasure of meeting my Sisters in SOAR, and let me tell you I am humbled and inspired by the women they are and the women I know they will become.
If you look up self-portrait online you will find many similar but different definitions of the word. In theory it seems simple, right?! Take a picture of yourself. Now the unfortunate and uncomfortable part for me is this part, SELF!! So that brings me to my picture….
In advisement of my Soar sisters I am going to go in a somewhat strange order. I am going to give you the feedback that I received, and later I will explain what I felt and intended in my portraits. That being said, I hope this makes sense to someone outside my own head = ).
The idea of sharing my self portrait, and object portrait, with someone I just met was terrifying to say the least, and even more so to a community of my peers. Please know that if you are feeling like this, you are not alone. I am not sure how it happened but somehow I ended up in the position of having to go first! Thanks again Linda, and Jennifer ; )!! So if you knew much about me, you would know that it is painful for me to sit quietly. That being said it is torturous to sit there and share something personal and not be able to explain what it means. My typical defense is to make fun of myself or minimize myself enough to eliminate any chance of being hurt. To me this was a judgment of not only my ability as a photographer and the more vulnerable part, ME. So…deep breath…heavy exhale. Here it goes.
In my self-portrait Linda and Jennifer said that they saw thoughtfulness, gratitude, and humbleness. They saw meditation and deep thoughts. They thought I was showing gratitude, and creativity. They felt my power and were moved by it.
In my object Jennifer and Linda saw me uncovering myself one brick at a time. They saw something broken. They saw me revealing something, and exposing my texture. They saw me opening up. They thought I was vulnerable and showing transparency. They felt sad and wanted to protect me. They felt like cheering me on.
It is easy to look at a picture and not really see what is there. In today’s world, we are inundated with so many images we frequently take them for granted. By taking a step back and asking ourselves what we see, think, and feel we are valuing the work and beauty that is in a picture. It becomes more than “just” a picture and transforms before our eyes into art and splendor. It is uncomfortable and painful sometimes, but how much we gain in the process is beyond price.
I wrote the following in preparation to taking my pictures. I feel anxious and vulnerable sharing this with you. However, I feel it is essential to the journey I am on and the essence of my being.
So I should be writing this in my journal, but as we are traveling at 50mph, and I am a stickler for handwriting, I am going to be typing these thoughts. We are headed to visit our friends in Eastern Washington; this inevitably will take us by a town called Ellensburg. At one point this town had incredibly fun memories. My husband went to college there. It was here in this town that I was able to see him. We spent amazing time with each other, and created many memories that I will always cherish. While these two years were hard, the quality time was priceless.
This all changed when my husband was assaulted there. It is almost always the place you need to stop for gas, or the inevitable “I Have To PEE” from the kids. The only amount of time I spent there in the past 4 years has been a meeting with a lawyer 6 months after the incident. I no longer liked the place. All those amazing memories we had created had been wiped away, and all I had now was the image of my husband’s precious head hitting the hard concrete, and my life changing forever.
It was in a group of women, that I really put it all together. They talked about how the times of great suffering in our life are an opportunity to grow. I think I had come to this understanding in my own way, but it was amazing to hear it from someone else. I never felt anger toward the man that turned my life upside down, but there were many times I wanted to turn back the clock, to those innocent days of old. To a time when life seemed so simple, but perhaps was so hollow. I can truly say my life is full now!! Full of love for my husband, and children, and friends, and family, and of course Me Ra, Jen, Linda, Genie and all my Sour sisters.
So we are now reaching Tacoma, roughly 45 minutes from the safety of my home. We are about 2 hours from Ellensburg, and there is no pit in my stomach! It is 6:44 so we won’t be stopping there for long; if anything it will be an above-mentioned stop. Pee or Gas. However I have this assignment from Me Ra and it requires me taking a self-portrait and an object portrait. I am not sure if these will be the images I use or not, but they will be so healing. “What in the heck am I talking about?” you might be wondering Well my plan is to stop in Ellensburg, WA on my way home and finally put an end to my avoidance of a place that in all aspects has made my life better. Perhaps I should be thanking Ellensburg for the part it has played in my life, but I don’t know if I am ready for that yet.
There is an alley in the center of town that will mark my moving on and the changes we have made. The dark place inside me had convinced me that this is the place to blame for my darkest nightmares. I am ready for this dark place to no longer have a say in my life. This common alley will become a place of healing and acceptance and thankfulness. These pictures will be healing for me. A time and a place that I had no control over will now be a place that I choose to go. My husband will be taking the picture, and I think it will be a remarkable experience. I am so excited to build this new memory!!
This experience was that and so much more for my husband and I. We left with a sense of pride and joy. We have reclaimed our past and have marked this point as a turn in the road. I am proud of where I have been, and how far we have come. I am not sad or scared anymore. I have set my story free, it has wings now and it is meant to touch and inspire. In the very beginning we said “As hard as this is, if we can touch one person by our experience it would all have been worth it”. Thank You!!
Shine On,
Lindsay
(Lindsay, thank you so much for sharing this intimate part of your journey. We are all stronger for it. We truly are. Me Ra)
OMG…Lindsay! I’m reading this as my students are testing and I’m trying not to let my tears turn to sobs. That is an incredibly brave and powerful thing you did in Ellensburg. If we all had such strength in our lives, we would be healed. I’m so proud of you and impressed with your perseverance.
P.S. I know Ellensburg well…I taught summer camps at CWU during college.
Lindsay,
What a powerful experience for you! When I saw your self portrait, before I read what it really represented, I saw a woman at prayer, at peace, in gratitude, in a most unusual place. If you had not been “forced” to do the self portrait you may not have found that freedom as you drove through that town. Your journey I am sure has also helped your husband to move forward.
You have encouraged me to finally get my self portrait done. I have had such a life change this year that I am not even sure who I am anymore. It is time to find out.
I think setting your story free and sharing with others is part of the healing. Blessings to you and your family as you grow deeper this year.
I will never look at Ellensberg the same way as we pass through there this summer:)
Natalie Johnson-Gig Harbor
Lindsay-
I waited all day yesterday to read your post and see your photographs-so wanting to see your pictures and to read your words. They are a reflection of your experiences and how God is using them to transform you into the woman He wants you to be. It is awesome to hear your story- with all your fears- it is a tremendous honor to be a part of this journey with you. Thank you for being so willing and honest. Love you!
Lindsay,
Lindsay, thank you for your honesty. It is in these moments that God uses the stories of our lives to encourage, touch, move, reach others. The verse in the Bible that says “He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose” is what comes to mind for me as I read your story. It’s easy to read that verse and think the “good” is about feeling good, but it’s not. It’s about who we’re becoming. And it’s about how His glory is revealed. I consider it a complete honor to be able to witness that through this journey. You are an amazing woman. And although change may bring some pain, it will reveal beauty on the other side that is so much larger than the pain! (James 1:2-4)
Fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing, for opening up. Please know that you’ve inspired more than one person, you’re inspiring countless women with your honesty.
This is FANTASTIC, honey. You did a great job, and I’m so very proud of the woman I married, as well as the woman you’ve become through this. I love you!!
You are AMAZING and you do such a phenomenol job of expressing yourself in words and pictures. Your vulnerability shows immeasurable strength. I’m so proud of you and all that you have and are accomplishing. It seems that this SOAR experience is already changing, healing and setting you free in areas that God’s been patiently waiting for. Keep up the awesome work! Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey!
Wow, I got goosebumps when I read this! Absolutely moving! Thank you so very much for sharing so openly about this healing experience. And how beautiful that your husband took the photo?!! I love that!
I am joining Dana (HI DANA!;-) in San Fran Disc. Wkshop style of what your images “said” to me, if that is okay.
Your Self-Portrait:
I see – great calming strength and fortifying gratitude.
I feel – tranquil and serene and settled.
I imagine – a beautiful woman about to stand and claim her space in this world while acknowledging what she’s been through to get here.
Your Object:
I see – layers and texture and contrast
I feel – anticipation for what might be under the outer layer as well as under the leaves.
I imagine – sweeping the leaves away and uncovering the brick to see it’s true and original strength.
Thank you so much for sharing your images as well as your thoughts and experiences.
Lindsay, you know how much I love you already and how very proud of you I am today. So a small confession people – since the time of the announcement and until this weekend I was nervous and intimidated by the prospect of meeting this remarkable woman! I saw such strength, such faith, and an inner confidence that I could not quite understand considering all she had been through. And I was not wrong. But as well as this she has the same doubts and fears that plague us all. The same discounting voices that slow us down and stop us from shining. She is also incredibly smart, tells it like it is, and is wise beyond her years. But most of all what I treasure is her outrageous sense of humor and her ability to make everyone laugh… as her personality unfolds here you are in for a treat! Thank you Lindsay for being all that you are, for sharing your challenges, your vulnerability and your hopes. You are my hero (and so is Kyle!!!)
Wow… and that’s just based on your blog post as my computer is being obstinant and not showing me your picture, grrr!!!
Thank you for letting us in on your healing journey… it is amazing to see God using your pain to bring that same healing to others.
Now to figure out how to see your pictures!
I’m so happy for you and your journey is truely wonderful!!!
Liane Dimond
Lindsay B, you are so brave. And you
make other people want to be brave. Going back to face your fears is one of life’s biggest challenges. And you’ve already accomplished that! Look (and listen!) at how your life has already touched so many people. My heart rejoices at simply knowing you (and Linda!) and being in a position to learn so much from you both.
I love that you do life with such wit and character about you. What a beauty you are –and fun too, you little stinker
thanks for sharing! Love you–
When I was at the “Confidence Workshop” a couple of weeks ago I told Me Ra, “I can relate to Jennifer (I have four young children), but I want Linda’s creativity and Lindsay’s strengh. Your story is so powerful, I can’t wait to see what this journey holds for you.
Beautiful self-portrait. I see a women in pray giving gratitude but also asking for strengh to move on and heal. I feel you letting the pain free and I think you are an amazing women. I love your object picture I see you wanting to uncover the gray cold stone to uncover something beautuful again. I feel your determination to reclaim your life one brick at a time. I think you are strong like the brick and are ready to sweep away the leaves. Thank you for sharing your story.
Nickie
Lindsay,
I am so happy for your journey and for the strength you have shown in many ways. There is no doubt you will succeed and become all that you want to be due to your inner strength. You have overcome the hardest part, now, you can zone in on you and use all that you have learned from your horrible experience and prevail. Congrats to you for coming this far! (and hugs to your family).
xoxo
Marla-Dee
You are so inspirational to us all. What an amazing story. I am so thrilled to watch you SOAR.
Beautiful post..beautiful pictures…I love your portrait! To me it looks as if you are praying to make that leap..you look as if you are ready to jump (in a wonderful way of course!)..Love it!
Lindsay, I just have to thank you again for being so brave and letting us into your world. Love you!
Wow!!! Lindsay, your story is truly inspiring! Your pictures are beautiful! I am looking forward to each day following this blog! Thank you so much for your honesty and sharing things so intimate in your life! You are very brave!
Lindsay I think your portraits here are AWESOME. You went deeply and connected…I’m looking forward to your thoughts and feelings over the duration of this experience! I love deep thinkers.
Lindsay- Your self portrait and object photo’s are so powerful in their own right, but your words shared from your heart are absolutely beautiful. Your journey is such a testimony of courage and strength. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story so purely and honestly in image and in word. I have my own personal haunts with E-burg and appreciate a new joy and freedom to reflect on about the windy little town, that changed your lives forever. May the healing of the past pour forth blessings beyond measure as you SOAR! to new and unimaginable new heights together as a family.
[...] Lindsey [...]
Dear Lindsay,
I do see the power of quiet strength that lies within you, along with the layers of stucco being peeled back to reveal the brick beneath.
Your reflections in your blog tell us what a strong woman you are that your heart is brave and true.
I wish you all the best on your journey to SOAR! this year!
Hugs,
Susan Reynolds
Orangevale, CA
Lindsay, whoever your mind thinks you are is so BUSTED! I saw reverence and grace, felt peace and hope and imagined a woman making peace with her past, asking God for the strength that she already holds inside her. Your stillness may be from being frozen in thought but who we see and who you are coming back to being is beautiful, moving and hilariously creative! I love the quote “Don’t believe everything you think.” Could be your new motto.
Love you!