So this week we are honored to speak on our weekend in San Francisco.  I have so many feelings regarding this weekend, and the amazing woman that I met.  I honestly had no idea what to expect of my first solo flight and trip.  I would be meeting my SOAR! sisters for the first time, along with the lovely Genie, and our business coaches Karen and Fay of the Wisdom Connection.

As you have read in Jennifer’s Blog we had a most amazing drive in from the Airport.  What Jen failed to tell you is that I bullied her into taking pictures with my camera.  She was afraid to hurt my camera, or take a bad picture.  As any new friend would do I laughed at her and told her she was being ridiculous.  Which I will have you know she was!!  The proof is in the pudding Missy, and here are the results!!

Courtesy of Jennifer Armstrong

Courtesy of Jennifer Armstrong

So many people asked me what I was going to be doing and I had no idea what to tell them.  The ironic thing is that I didn’t feel like I could accurately describe it any better upon my return.  There have been a few that have been patient enough and understanding enough to sit and listen to my entire breakdown of the weekend…I am so grateful for their listening ears!!  I however don’t know if I could have shared it with anyone other than these close few people, and now I am here thinking about how to share it with you.  It seems that I spent a weekend learning a language that takes so much translating, that it is easier to just say nothing.  I will do my best however to give you the essence of this enlightening experience.  Now the question is have I ignited a flame or a pilot light?

One thing that I remember with absolute clarity is that I was a blubbering fool most of the weekend.  I know that this is not how I should see it, but that is how it felt.  I, like many others out there, view my own crying as a sense of weakness of course vulnerability.  I don’t think the same of others at all, in fact I am always touched by honest emotions; I see it as strength.  Such an oxymoron.  Why is it that we are so willing to see the good in others and not in ourselves?  This is something that I have thought a lot on since that weekend.

Have you ever met someone and felt completely at ease telling them your deepest insecurities and desires?  Well along with my beautiful partners Linda, and Jennifer I truly feel like Karen and Fay were two such people.  This is so hard to describe, and I know that Jen and Linda will understand completely, but I don’t think I have ever felt comfortable with prolonged eye contact.  Well if you aren’t…get used to it with Karen and Fay.  The thing that surprised me was how comfortable I felt when they did it.  They have the kindest eyes, and the most loving hearts.  I knew that no matter what I said that they would not be judging me.  It was a pretty amazing experience.

Courtesy of Jennifer Macniven Photography

All that being said, I have never been in as many uncomfortable situations in my life.  I am incredibly uncomfortable being in the spotlight.  More that once I was on the hot seat, and I think that each time I cried.  No really, I would sit there thinking “Lindsay do not cry, seriously stop it, calm down.”.  Then it would be my turn and of course I would cry.  I actually stood up in front of a room of women knees shaking (literally), heart pounding out of my chest, tears pouring down my cheeks, and bared myself insecurity and all to these women all while feeling the greatest desire in the world to run for my life.  I have never felt so scared, and so free at the same time.

My husband sent me this text the night before I left. “Linds, I want you to be great this weekend.  Not just good, but great.  I want you to quietly inspire all those around you.  With your photography.  With your personality.  With your humor.  With your “quirkiness”. You are truly something special Linds, and I would like nothing more than for others to experience “Lindsay”.  You’ll be great this weekend honey.  I know it.” How could I be anything other than what he requested?  My husband unlike anyone else other than my kids, mom, dad and brother, gets to see the true Glory of “Lindsay”.  Now this is not something that everyone wants or really needs, but he is so right.  I want to see myself through his eyes.  I am working on it Kyle!!

I am constantly in my own head about not being enough.  That is the biggest thing that I took away from this weekend.  Karen and Fay and all of the amazing women that took part in Igniting the Flame helped me to recognize that I am not alone.  It was so refreshing to be in a room of women where I felt loved, welcomed, understood, and not judged.  I felt that it was okay to be me…as best I can be in a room of complete strangers.  I can say that with as many sports as I have played, and as many female friends as I have had over the years, this feeling was a first at 29 years old.  I have always told my husband that I would rather have a male friend than a female, and perhaps that thought is changing some after that weekend.  After all, I have two new amazing life long friends in my life.

Courtesy of Jennifer MacNiven Photography

Below is a journal entry that I wrote after my weekend in San Francisco.  It is so hard to say what I took from this weekend, and it seems like it might just be easier to show you something I have done since.

“Ok, so I have done it.  I am sitting in a cute little coffee shop, with a piping hot Americano next to me.  It is actually in a glass cup, and I can’t believe it.  I have done what is so out of my norm.  The funny thing is, I know this is such a common thing for so many people, and I have no idea why it feels so weird for me.  I almost drove home and plopped down in my chair in the living room.  Insane, but how do I change if I do the same thing over and over.  The irony is that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  So I truly could call myself the queen of insanity.   I am blessed to have time where my kids are being showered with love and affection and I am able to step away.  So often, no always, I drive home and waste that time thinking about what I should have/could have done.  Why is that?  Why is it easier to do the same thing over and over and despise yourself for it, than it is to step out and do something new? Why does everyone else look and seem so natural doing what is so foreign to me.  Perhaps it is because I don’t really know how to be just me.  If I was meeting someone I would be fine, but the act of stepping out on my own is so darn frightening.  But amazingly as I sit here I am not bursting into flames, I am not being laughed at, and mocked for my mere presence.  I am blending in, and I am sure no one has thought that I don’t belong.

I have spent so little of my life without the comfort and support of someone being by my side.  I resist change as if it were the plague.  I feel uncomfortable and I avoid that feeling at all costs.  For goodness sakes, it is my family joke that I am afraid to call and order pizza.  How sad and goofy is that?  I always deny it, but I was truly afraid at one point to call and order pizza.  I can honestly say that I am not afraid to do that now, but it is still the joke in my family.  How do you get to be 29 afraid of such silly things?  How do I have these fears and hide them so well from so many people.  I am terrified of not fitting in, and I am equally terrified to not stand out.  My life is such a conundrum.

I have spent so much of my life being afraid of things that I can never grow.  I am tired of it!  I want to grow and learn and be free to express who I am on the inside and out.  I want to be accepted, but if I’m not, I want to be okay with that.  I want to be a brilliant photographer, and I want to believe that I am.  I am so afraid that I will spend my life trying so hard to prove something to everyone else that I will have overlooked who I need to please.  When I am gone from this world, what will my stamp be?  What will I be known as and for?  Will it even matter to anyone?  Probably not and that is ok!  I want to raise my children to be kind and loving.  I want them to believe in themselves and look only one place for approval.  I want them to see the beauty and blessing that each day is.  I want to be known as a kind person that was fiercely devoted to her husband, children and family.  And selfishly I want to be known as an Artist.

I don’t know at which point I will give myself the approval to call myself an artist.  I even struggle calling myself a photographer.  I believe that I have convinced myself that at some point I will have achieved enough or become enough that I will deserve the title.  I want to be more than comfortable with calling myself a artist, I want to believe it from the core of my being.  Perhaps some might see an artist in me already, but how do I see that in myself?”

So these thoughts, and the willingness to share these quiet moments with others is something that I have taken away from my weekend with the “Wisdom Connection”.  Is my life perfect, am I perfect upon returning home?  Hahahahahah….NO!!  Am I different… at points, to be completely honest.  I would love to say that I came home and I silenced all of those critics in my head.  Not the case, but I am trying to recognize that they might not always be right.

One of the strangest experiences I have had since I got home has been that people in my family, and friends are surprised that I have confidence issues.  Then there are those, perhaps that are a little closer to me, that know my confidence (or lack there of) all to well.  I think it is so interesting that I can put forth an air of confidence and self-belief outwardly when I am so in doubt inside.  Now if I can just make the inside match the outside, I can be a success.  I want to be the best me I can be.  Not a bigger, better me, but rather “just the right size” (thanks Karen and Fay) me!!

I came home telling my Mom I wanted her to go to an upcoming Igniting the Flame workshop.  I would tell any woman that if you feel alone, and if female relationships are not for you, then this is the place for you.  There will be some hard and uncomfortable points in the weekend, but I have found that true growth is not comfortable.  Great things can happen when we take a leap of faith and try something new.  Thank you Karen and Fay for having a vision and following it through, I am becoming the “right size me” because of what you have done!!

Courtesy of Jennifer Macniven Photography

P.S.  Funny side note.  Karen had it in her head that I was Jennifer, and called me the wrong name a couple of time.  This is awesome in my eyes, since I am brutal with names.  The funny thing is that we kept messing up their names all weekend.  We have actually found ourselves calling them “Kay” and “Faren” more often than not!!  Hope that gives Karen and Fay a good laugh.  Thank you ladies for all that you have already done, and all that is promised with a relationship with you.  I am so blessed!!

Courtesy of Jennifer Macniven Photography

Shine On,

Lindsay

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 18th, 2010 at 6:40 am and is filed under Lindsay Baumgartner, SOAR! Partner's Corner, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.