I hope you all had a wonderful weekend of dressing up. We certainly did. Brian was causing the neighborhood women to swoon as Edward Cullen from Twilight. I promise to show images soon. It’s also been fun getting your Halloween photos and hearing how you put my Spooky Photo Tips to practice! I’ll try to post a handful of those too. But today I need to post something concerning this week.
Pictage’s Partner Conference, in New Orleans, kicks off tomorrow. Brian and I regret to say we will not be there.
We were so excited to come because Partnercon is one of our favorite annual conferences. We were excited to share on our topic, but even more excited to hang out with many of you, friends we only see once or twice a year. So what happened? Why the last minute cancellation?
When we were in NY last week, I felt like Pascaline was having a tough time. She didn’t seem like herself. I felt like she was struggling to feel grounded and having a hard time focusing. We did an unusual amount of travel in September and October. For some of the trips the kids joined us, and for a handful I went alone. We try to pace our calendar, but sometimes unexpected things come up and you need to get on a plane. Those unexpected events added up over the last two months, and I ended up being in six cities in October alone. When Photo Plus happened in NY, I could tell Pascaline was feeling the weight of our travel schedule.
Our kids are pretty amazing. They roll with the travel schedule in a way that blows my mind. In some ways they’ve never known any different, but it’s also because we have a ton of family support, the beauty of homeschool, and an awesome nanny. The kids will sometimes count the days until our next trip because of that special weekend their going to have with Grammie and Papa. But you know when that moment comes…and the air around you has shifted. The feeling around the moment is so abstract, so subtle, and yet it’s staring you, wide eyed in the face. And in that moment, you know your kids need you more today than most days. It isn’t traumatic, and if we left today for New Orleans, I know the kids would survive. But I feel deeply about the fact that life isn’t about surviving. Life is about much more.
Last Thursday, Brian and I went down to the local cafe and I asked him to consider canceling. Did he think I was off base or in left field? He was a bit taken off guard, but he heard me out. Then he looked at me and said, “We’ve built so much of this business by listening to your intuition. If you feel strongly about this, we should listen.” I felt so strong but so conflicted. I didn’t want to let our Pictage family down, and especially the wonderful photographers that were planning on attending our talk. And yet, as I sat on the decision, prayed about it, thought it through, what bothered me most was the idea of having to tell Pascaline I needed to leave again–knowing her spirit wasn’t ready yet for “again”.
What was equally troubling was if I didn’t listen to my instinct now, it would be that much tougher to listen the next time. I’ve worked so hard, for years, to listen that small voice, I couldn’t ignore it now.
The title of our talk was Revive the Artist in You: Live the Impossible Life. There is no way I could stand up and speak on this topic when I knew my little one needed me back home.
When I called Jim Collins, CEO of Pictage, he blew me away. He told me he would personally make himself available to anyone that had been referred from our blog. (So find Jim if you are there this week b/c he wants to meet you!) He asked me a couple other logistical questions, and then he said “Now Me Ra, I want you to take three deep breaths. We’re going to miss you, but we will get through…and I hate to break it to you, but your not Super Woman.” I have to tell you that I broke down in tears because I never expected Jim to be so understanding.
Our life is crazy and not in balance. That’s right “not” in balance. I gave up on balance a while ago because it only led me to compare my life with others–with other lives who weren’t anything like our own. And then I realized it’s not about living a balanced life, but living a life that listens to your small, quiet voice inside. Living a life of prayer and teamwork with Brian. Living a life that makes BIG plans but takes things one step at a time with prayer wrapped all around it. At times my fears and insecurities creep in. I don’t find a ton of women in my position, and I feel the need and desire to continue breaking ground. But I wonder if I’m kidding myself because maybe it would be easier on all of us if our family had mom at home and dad at work. I NEVER thought I would be a working mom—ever. But for some reason God had other plans for me and my family, and here we are. And it feels right. Not always easy, but right.
I do apologize to all of you who expected us to be there. Please email us if this unexpected news throws your conference off, and Jim and I will figure out a way to make it up to you. (mera@merakoh.com)
I want to thank Jim and the rest of the Pictage family for being so understanding. I feel more supported and loved by Pictage than ever.
After Brian and I made our decision, I told Pascaline I canceled my trip. Over the next few hours, I watched her body unwind. It’s like I could see her shoulders let down–her spirit exhale. On the way home yesterday, after her first piano recital, she said “Mama, I’m so glad your home this week.” I smiled inside. I can’t always cancel the trip. But this time, I knew I needed to. She needed me a little more than the average day. She would have survived if I had to go. But I’m so glad I didn’t ask her to survive. Instead, I get to love on her. I get to make homemade soup with her, take a walk in the Fall leaves, come home and light a fire, wrap her in my arms and let her know that in the midst of our exciting, crazy life–I hear my little girl.
I see her.
-m
( We got your back friend.)
