Artist Living

Need to Dump, Do You?

Me Ra Koh

I need to dump. Just dump and let it all out.

You know I’m super tired and feeling pretty sensitive when the following happens;

I got to my training session and my trainer tells me to keep my abs tight as I’m doing squats. I look at him and my eyes fill with tears. “I can’t handle being criticized right now!” Silence. I realize I’m breaking down into tears in the weight room which feels like an oxymoron all in itself. Yep, that happened. Just yesterday as a matter of fact. It was awesome.

The last few days, I have slept for nine hours and woken up feeling tired…still! My brain feels dead. Nothing there. When I try to brainstorm or think of anything creative, nothing there. I think I had two panic attacks yesterday because I started wondering if my brain would be like this forever. One panic attack came at 1pm, and I cried so much the house flooded. Or at least that is how Pascaline described it with a smile. The second panic attack came at 1am in the morning. Not sure if there is any significance in the fact that both panic attacks were twelve hours apart. See this is me right now. Overthinking things, combined with being to tired to think. Not a good mix.

December is usually my sacred month off of work, meaning I don’t do any more shoots. But this new opportunity roled in to do a fashion shoot this coming Monday and Tuesday, and it’s for a friend, and they are coming out from NY and England, and, and, and, here I am doing the fashion shoot. I know it’s a good thing, but December 17th, Wednsday, I have drawn the line. I announced to Brian that I am taking two weeks off of work whether he LIKES it or not. He looked at me completely confused. “Okay,” he said.

I just feel frustrated inside. Brian thinks I’m sexually frustrated. I disagree. (nice try though, hun)

Creativity has escaped me. It’s as if creativity was my roommate, making me laugh at night, stretching my mind in different directions, tucking me into bed and filling my sleep with all kinds of magic, and then all of a sudden she went to visit relatives but forgot to say goodbye, say Merry Christmas, and didn’t even leave a note on the counter saying when she’d be back. I’m just sitting on the kitchen floor wondering what to do with myself.

My little brother knows me well. He said that it sounds like I’m “tanked” right now, even the fumes are gone. I’ve been going strong all year, and I look at this time of year as a time of rest and rejuvination. He said prayer would be a good thing for me right now. Prayer, then going to see a movie by myself, getting a massage (actually the massage was Brian’s idea, got to give credit where credit is do), journaling in a coffee shop, and talking long walks. He knows me well (and yes, Brian does too).

Brian and I prayed together last night before bed. That was good. I love Brian.

My creativite juices were still dried up after praying but I went to bed with peace instead of “crazy, freak-out-mom anxiety”. I got a massage too. And I even went to the acupuncturist. She asked me what part of my body was most tired. Without hesitating, I said “my brain! Can you poke my head in different spots and get it to turn back on.” I guess there are pressure points on your head called “the little flower”. I don’t think the little flower turned my brain back on but the little flower made me fall asleep. Slept HARD for twenty minutes on her table. Even woke up to myself drooling.

We put up the Christmas tree ornaments last night. I was so excited because sometimes those simple traditions refuel me. But why do I always, every freaking year, forget how stressful it is to decorate a tree with little kids.

“Oh, it’s okay honey. I know you didn’t mean to throw the snow globe down the stairs” (as glittery, snow globe water dripped through the stairs onto Brian’s head below.)

“Oh, she’s such a cute puppy–look, she’s eating all our red ribbon.”

“Sure Blaze, you can hang ornament #20 on the same branch that you hung that last 19 ornaments on.”

“You don’t like the arrangement of the nativity Pascaline? Wow, I didn’t realize you had such strong feelings about it. Why don’t you do it…oops. Shoot, the donkey didn’t really need both ears. Did he?”

So anyways. I have to admit that after typing this I do feel much better. You know what, I think redoing the hardwood floors did me in. I tend to tackle things head on and just do it. But having to unexpectedly move every thing out of our house, move into someone else’s house, then move every thing back in, and then empty boxes only to pull out Christmas decoration boxes…I think the floors may have made me more tired than I realized. Don’t get me wrong, I love how they turned out. But I am one tired mama these days. T-I-R-E-D! Come to think of it, Rosie’s bacterial infection in her colon during the moving in and out was pretty tiring too. Yep, you guessed it. She couldn’t control her bowel movements and just pooped wherever. But if I look on the bright side, cleaning up poop on hardwoods is much better than carpet. Okay, I’m going to stop talking about this because now I feel like crying again.

I don’t know if any of you are like this too, but I’m NOT the type of person to sit and watch a movie in the middle of the day or sit at all. I’d rather be moving and getting something done or thinking of a new idea, or work on a project with the kids. Brian, he can watch movies and eat Lucky Charms with the kids all day, but I feel like life is sprinting by if I do that. And yet, my body and brain are saying, “Girl, you need to turn on Anne of Green Gables, just push play, start in the middle, it doesn’t matter, just veg out before you combust!” Yet it’s so hard to do. Plus, you have all the “busy-busy” energy of the holidays. I heard Amy Grant’s new Christmas song, “I Need a Silent Night” and fell apart. What a great song.

Does anyone out there connect? Are you in desperate need of unwinding right now? Are you feeling tanked too? What are you doing to take care of yourself? Wat can we do to refuel before the New Year arrives?

xo

m

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  1. Betsy says:

    Oh, you are SOOOOO not alone! I would write more, but I have TOO much to do!

    I think Journaling in a coffee shop is a GREAT idea!!!! And so is the massage!

    Thanks for being so open with your anxiety attacks. They make me feel so not alone in my craziness. Plus, I think as photographers we are expected to be this never ending fountain of creativity. It’s ok that we aren’t!!!

  2. it’s ok not to have all the answers, sometimes that’s when the best and greatest things happen to you. maybe the best thing you can do is to be still and just “be” in this moment, it’s here for a reason. that’s what i have to remind myself over and over…and breathe. someone told me to be sure i breathe, close my eyes and just breathe it in, long deep breaths. my heart is with you~ xo

  3. i just had a thought. when is the last time you picked up your camera, just for you? no clients, no blog, no fashion shoot, no meetups, no workshops, just an afternoon of wandering wherever the wind takes you and a camera around your neck…
    just for you.

  4. Mera, I agree with your brother about prayer. I also agree with everybody in your life who is telling you to pull back, veg out and do some things for yourself. ((((hugs & prayers))))

    As an aspiring photographer I look at your life and it seems so busy (and I know from the blog I only see a tiny sliver).

    What I’m doing for myself this Christmas is probably very different than what you would want to do. But we are escaping the Spokane winter and going to Santa Monica for a beach Christmas where I will wander with my camera for a week and shoot SUNSHINE in December! Hallelujah!

  5. Bree says:

    Oh, Me Ra! I’m so sorry! I know EXACTLY how you feel! I think your brother was right, you’re just tanked! As hard as it is for Mom’s to do something for just themselves, I think that’s just what you need. I am so guilty of not taking time for myself, and that’s when I have situations just like what you are going through. I feel like my brain is fried! I just have to step back, pawn the kids off on my friend, and do something that I love to do. Read, watch an old movie, take my camera into the country side, walk the mall… whatever, as long as it is relaxing and doesn’t involve being a mom at the moment! Hope that helps!

  6. sandra says:

    Dear Me Ra,

    First, thank you very much for letting your readers in on how you are feeling!! I am so amazed and thankful that someone as successful and talented as you is going through these emotional patters which are very well known to me. Yet, it doesn’t surprise me that you feel like this… you are living such a full and busy life…

    My batteries have been running low for the past five years; loosing my job, going through a major break up — moving back to Switzerland after having spent 14 years of my adult life living and working in San Francisco, searching for work while living with my brother and family (at the age of 39 major bruise to your ego) eventually landing a job with an international company, proofing myself as a Brand Manager in a very competitive field, reestablishing myself in my old home country…. finding the love of my life that sweeps me back to the USA — getting married and becoming a mother at 42. I have truly been blessed… had I already given up on finding Mr. Right and being a Mom. My life has change so drastically; my job I had to run on full steam all day long — and I did it, yet being a wife and mom is such a different challenge, I am feeling ungrateful and sometimes even a little depressed –> I am always tiered and have only little brain function left (I believe that half of my brains were consumed in bringing a child into this world ).

    I cam across your site several months ago — this coincides with my keen interest in photography. I also have a very supportive husband (Ken – he reminds me a lot of your Brian) who is supportive, believes in me, and pushes me to charter new grounds. He is very analytical, logical matter of fact… where as I am the the intuitive type that needs to be fully balanced (that means my house has to be clean and organized and I have to feel comfortable in my skin)before doing anything else.

    Since you were curious to hear, how others recharge their batteries here is my magic formula –> intensive YOGA; this really works — do Bikram Yoga at least three times a week for the next month –> the best would be to do it ten days in a row — make sure, to complete ten classes before you decide this is not for you — It is an amazing workout/therapy and revitalizes you from within… great side effect is the automatic weight loss…one starts to feel so good that you think twice before putting anything in your body.

    Now I am about to cry, because, I realize what I need, yet, I don’t have the time to do this… (each class is 90 minutes long and that doesn’t include traveling time!!!) It is easy to preach!!!

    This e-mail message is getting much longer then I intended, yet, I hope you are still with me… because I also would love to get your perspective on the following:

    I have started my photography about three years ago, with the arrival of our poppy “Cuba”(a beautiful mixture b/w a Golden and Lab) who is exactly a year older than my son Benjamin — the two have inspired me to make sure to capture every moment of them becoming their own. I’ve been taking pictures for friends and even did a couple of major corporate events (for free)… yet, their is sooooooooooo much more I need to learn, and each time I am exposing myself to a new challenge I get so overwhelmed realizing how little I really know.

    I am at a point where my batteries are low, and my self esteem even lower… I am overwhelmed with all of it and am not sure that I have what it takes to make something out of all this. My question for you Dear Me Ra (I hope you are still with me ). How to make sure that I don’t give up on myself at this point.

    I get my inspiration from people like yourself, Sara France, Jasmine Star, Dan Sanders etc. As a Marketing specialist I realize that all of you guys are greatly talented but most of all do an amazing job at self promoting your work.

    Did you ever get to that point where you thought you were in it over your head and scarred (more like paralized)to continue????

    I hope this message finds you well and wish you and your beautiful family a great holiday season!!

    Namaste!!

    Sandra

    PS: Remember… ten days of intensive Bikram Yoga will do it!!!!!!

  7. Sonyia says:

    Oh you are not alone today sister! I’m right there with you. Why did I think staying up until midnight last night baking holiday breads was a good idea only to get up to 3 darling girlies rearing to go for some more? And how do we fit schooling into all of this? I rarely take time for myself either. It sounds like you need to. Journaling in a coffee shop sounds wonderful today!

  8. Michelle says:

    Oh gosh..I too can relate. The best way I could put it to a friend yesterday is that “I am running on empty”. The only thing I can think to do to refuel is to get a night away from my kids. Not sure if that is going to happen, but it sure would help. Maybe an advanced workshop to look forward to would send me in the right direction ; )

  9. Pamela says:

    I was busiest this summer & I felt like I missed it, I was so busy. I still am flying my flower flag in the middle of winter, because its my way of saying, ‘I missed it! I know there’s snow everywhere, but I MISS SUMMER!’ Then I remember that as much as I want to go back & do it over, that I get each season & I’m about to miss another one if I don’t just SLOW DOWN. Maybe you can do the actual physical shooting of the Fashion shoot, then offer no more till after the holidays. I’ve actually thought of putting up a sign that says, ‘Closed until Spring!’ But really I just need a little bit of down time. Many blessings to you as you figure it out. Let go…

  10. Beth says:

    Thank you God I am not the only one! We have four children 6,5,3,1 and I homeschool. My husband works full time and we are trying to start the photography business which mostly falls in my lap. Most days I reach about 4pm and think, “Great another day wasted with most of my to do list not done!” I get a surge of hope that tommorrow will be better but I guess I am stuck in a rut. I cry all the time and feel like the WORST mommy around!! But praise God I get a new chance each day! I am still nowhere near where I want to be but I do feel like I am slowing crawling out of the pit. I am finding that the ONLY way to cope is to depend on God second by second. I also have come to realize that I cannot be perfect and it’s ok to screw up or to be a mess sometimes. If I was capable of being a super mom then why would I need God’s grace!! Thank you for being so open and honest!! We need to know that we are not the only ones who do not have it all figured out!

  11. Nicole says:

    Sounds like you could win your own Running on Empty contest with that kind of story. You do so much for other women that you DESERVE to do something for yourself. What would you tell a woman if she told YOU this very story? Me Ra, you are wonderful and such an inspiration to so many but don’t let others’ needs outweigh your own. There’s only one of you, and we’d like to keep ya. : )

  12. Erik C says:

    I laughed out loud when you described decorating the tree with little kids. I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that we are going to have a freaky, lopsided looking tree for the next ten years. I have to keep chanting in my head “The kids are having fun. It’s all for the kids”.

    Brian…Atta Boy! Way to recognize an oportunity!

    I really do hope you feel better and have a wonderful Christmas.

  13. Same thing happened to me at the Chiropractor’s office filling out the forms about my history… I was emotionally blindsided because someone was asking me how I feel… even if it was just a piece of paper.

  14. Dawn Beirnes says:

    I completely understand where you’re at right now. I have been feeling like this for the last couple of YEARS (yes, I said years!). I am the typical “take care of everyone but myself” mom/wife, and it’s getting out of hand. My daughter who is a single mom still lives at home, so I take care of our grandson ALOT….alot more than I should have to. I can’t focus on myself and getting into photography like I want/need to because I’m always keeping a very busy 6 year old occupied while my daughter sits in her room and watches TV. My youngest is 18 and will graduate in May….I was looking forward to having a life, doing things I enjoy…I’ve never even had the time to know what those “things” really are…until I discovered photography. I want to jump into learning about my camera, taking photos, starting a business, but am too exhausted at night (and I think depressed has crept in too) that I look forward to going to bed…just to sleep. My only way to give my brain a rest and not worry, stress, hyper-focus on things. I wake up most mornings to the thought of “oh, another day…wonder what will go on today?” Christmas just isn’t fun for me this year either….finances, what to buy, etc. has made it just another stress-filled time. But hopefully the new year will bring some changes. My goal is to practice with my camera, take that sucker with me everywhere! I kind os sound like someone ready to jump off a building! I’m not…I have alot of positives in my life. I just need to focus more on those. Let me know how the massage and acupuncture worked…do they make a machine that is loaded up with those little needles that can just come down over your entire body? Ha! Whew, did I get alot off my chest or what??? Take care, Me Ra.

  15. jeramy says:

    hang in there. you’re not alone. everyone feels like this sometimes. it’s tough…but you’ll get through it. i read some of the other comments….good ideas. just relex. above all. enjoy this time. no work (lucky) and relax.

    oh…you had me at ‘anne of green gables’

  16. m. says:

    my husband lost his job a couple of weeks ago. so we picked up everything and moved back to our home state. everything we’ve worked for the past 4 years (financially & job-wise) is gone. gone gone gone.

    i can’t stop and think about it too much or i will start crying and not stop.

    i think the only thing that’s going to get me to relax is him finding another job. my neck and back are hurting from the stress. and my creativity is shot. gone gone gone.

    the good news is he has a second interview for a job next week. so, praying.

    wish i had some answers for you as to how to recharge – i just can’t see that far ahead yet.

  17. Kate says:

    MeRa, I am the same way: I can’t sit still even when I’m exhausted and need to take a break. And even if I DO manage to make myself sit down, my mind is still whirling with all I should be doing. I think busyness is okay, but some of it has to be rejuvenating to us. You’re on the right track I think: journaling, massage, accupuncture, prayer…all things to help ease your mind and refresh your spirit. Stay on that path and indulge yourself. You won’t have anything to give to others if you don’t take care of YOU. And there’s no need to feel guilty for caring about yourself.

    The creativity and joy will return – give it time. This weather doesn’t help – it’s so gray outside this time of year that it certainly affects my mood and energy level (I’m north of you a bit). Hang in there MeRa. “This too shall pass.”

  18. Amanda says:

    Hang in there Me Ra! Here’s hoping you get the rest and rejuvenation you need to feel like your brain is back on (what a great way to describe that utterly spent feeling we all get from time to time). =)

    You already have some great ideas on how to recharge, and really, we each have our own ways that are perfect for us, so just find what lets YOU feel peaceful and relaxed. Best of luck!!!

  19. Dorian says:

    I love Anne of Green Gables. I used to watch it when I was sick.

    Sorry to hear about the panic attacks. I stopped nursing this summer and now every month ….panic attacks or that night thinking stuff. I really didn’t miss them but now that they are back I get to figure out what to do again.

    Some times it’s not you. Unfortunately sometimes it is. This full moon is pretty intense. So this one might not be you. I like to cover all my bases so I like to check my Astrology chart. It sounds goofy but when three friends call and say what’s the universe doing, this can’t be me. It does not hurt to check.
    I like the Susan Miller site.

    As for the tree, Yep, right there with you. Praying for patience almost worked for me. I’m still trying to find the nativity.

  20. megan says:

    MeRa, Sounds like you’re a Mom ‘running on empty!’ You do so much, and inspire so much, giving your all. I’ll give you this paragraph from this book I have called “Just give me a little piece of quiet” by Lorilee Cracker; (it helped me when I was feeling overwhellmed last week.) “Consider how Jesus took time from his critically important mission on earth for solitude and rest: Jesus “got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place,” says Mark 1:35. And Matthew 14;23 echoes this idea: “After he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on a mountainside BY HIMSELF to pray. When evening came, he was there alone” (rsv)
    Even JESUS CHRIST had to take time out to refeul! Take care, and be kind to yourself. You’ll feel better in a bit. 🙂

  21. holy cats, I could have written almost this whole post, word for word.

  22. Lauren says:

    I’m with you too, sweetie. I feel overwhelmed. I’m at work for 45 hours a week plus travel time, and as soon as I get in the house I get handed the baby and asked what’s for dinner? Then it’s cook, eat, clean, baby, baby, baby and suddenly it’s 10:30pm, I’m still wearing my coat, everyone else is in bed and I’ve gotten NOTHING done. Let ALONE trying to start my photography business.

    I still have a family portrait session from September that I haven’t finished editting yet because I just need a few hours alone with the laptop that I can never get.

    Now I’ve gotta do the Christmas thing, shop shop shop while not spending a dime because we haven’t got one, and when I leave the house it’s dark and when I leave work it’s dark. I can’t wait for the days to start growing longer again.

    I hope you can take a few days off to rest and relax and not do a darn thing. I wish I could stay home with no one else around and just nap and do whatever I want without ANYONE needing me to do ANYTHING.

  23. Michelle says:

    Thank you for this post! I have been in tears all morning and it was good to see that others are feeling the same way and maybe not sure exactly why?!

    I think this time of year has a lot to do with it. Emotions and things that are most important get brought up in our souls and and we start reflecting. W ealso want to make the holiday “perfect” what ever that may mean. 🙂

    Prayer is great and also some days to just veg would be great too I think. This will pass…as they always do! 🙂

  24. Amanda says:

    HUGS! I am so sorry you are feeling like this right now. I think Carrie but it best…sometimes we just have to “be” in that moment…because yes as easy as it is for me to say, everything happens for a reason. Even if you do not have the answers or know the reason…everything will fall back into place. Usually when I get like this, I end up coming up out of it with an even better understanding of things then I did before…or the pieces of that new puzzle fall into place finally and its like a brick has been lifted and it all is so clear….I pray what ever the reason is, you get back to feeling yourself very soon. Don’t forget about you….maybe thats the reason. Someone is telling you that you do so much for everyone around you…and you can not forget about you. xo

  25. Yvonne L says:

    You’re not alone! I’m freaking out too with everything going on in our lives right now. I still have to go out and finish shopping(I am the non-shopper of the family and HATE shopping let alone Christmas shopping with all those busy people *BLECH*) and preparing for our first ho liday ALONE without inlaws or crazy family fights (which is nice but I want it to be perfect)… I want this holidays ot be extra perfect because afterwards we are going to be going through our first deployment. My husband and father of my children will be leaving us for 6 whole loooong months! It’s not the Iraq t ype of deployment but it’s still 6 months of no back up parent, of doing it all by myself and trying to handle everything life can throw at me (I know single parents do it all the tie and I really give it to them because I don’t think I could!).

    So, with all this going on I just booked a couple nights away at a cabin in Big Bear. No internet, no orders, no shopping, *no fighting??* (I can dream right?). I’m stepping out and abondoning all responsibilities and hoping to enjoy a nice get-a-way with my family up inthe mountains with strangers, hot cocoa, snow tubing, and down time.

    Hang in there – it will turn up, it always does! HUGS – Y

  26. Jen from Oz says:

    Oh Me Ra – Just this morning I was “dumping” on my sister. You are so not alone! I’m trying to get Christmas ready (all shopping and decorating), put together the family calendar gifts, get ready for my son’s 7th birthday, getting ready for a family ski trip, trying to get teacher gifts ready, dealing with an unexpected $500 car repair (at Christmas!!!) and a sprained ankle, volunteering at my son’s school, this list goes on and on. My husband has done some surprise for me for Christmas (when we’ll be with his parents) and I have no ideas for him. NONE!! He’ll suggest something, and when I try to pursue it he says, no, I’m not interested anymore. Aaaaaack! Then he says it doesn’t matter and his parents won’t care or think badly about me, but it’s still so stressful! I have no joy right now, just a giant to-do list. I put on my FaceBook page I wanted to curl into the fetal position until January 5! Add to that with all I have to do I feel like I’m neglecting my preschool daughter. Christmas is not so magical when you’re the one responsible for everything. It’s reassuring to know that you’re not the only one on the crazy train right now. I keep threatening to book a one-way flight to Vegas. 😉 I keep saying, “Just a few more weeks!” Hang in there! (I’ll try to do the same!)

  27. Me Ra says:

    I am soaking each and every comment written today. Water to my soul. We all know in our head we need a break, but actually doing it and feeling freedom to do it can be so tough. Thank you for letting me know your not alone, and thank you for blessing me in feeling like I need a break. I laughed out loud when someone said, “You sound like a mom Running on Empty.” Yep, that about sums it up. 😉 I’m taking so much comfort in all of you and your own stories today. keep them coming because I know I’m not the only one who is refreshing my screen today. 🙂

  28. Kari says:

    The past few weeks the song “In Christ Alone My Hope is Found” has been running through my head non-stop. There is so much this time of year to rob us of our joy as we try to celebrate the most joyful event in history. I just keep singing that song, breathing deeply, and praying he same prayers — almost like a script. The tears have almost stopped. Almost. Of course, I have pregnancy hormones to contend with…. be grateful those aren’t in the mix! You know I love you!

    xxoo

  29. Liza says:

    Me Ra,
    I too feel as if I need to slow down. After the weekend being all workshop it felt as if I just ran into this week head on without realizing how truly exhausted I was! I am truly grateful that today is Thursday though…I don’t have too much planned this weekend and am so thankful for that! I know the upcoming weeks/weekends are going to be crazy and hectic…and I’m not even finished Christmas shopping!
    I do feel humor though especially after reading about Blaze wanting to put 20 ornaments on one branch. Jasmine helped me as I decorated the tree but we were able to get it pretty spread out…until we got out the candy canes. Since they’re not ‘fragile’ I told her she could do it by herself…yup, you guessed it. They’re all towards the bottom of the tree in one small patch…and don’t even THINK about moving them! She freaks out! Aww….Friday evening please, PLEASE come!

  30. Lacey says:

    Thank you so much for your post. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now and have been so inspired by your talent, your ability to juggle it all, your creativity, your love and passion for what you do (photography and being a mom). I have such a desire to photograph people the way that you do, to help them see the way God sees them, to find their inner light and I thank you for helping me find that desire. I recently ordered your Say Cheese DVDs and they just arrived today…I cant wait! However, with that all said I want to thank you for also being real, for sharing your real feelings, your real exhaustion, your real creative blocks because I was feeling frustrated with myself for experiencing the same thing. Although I am at the very beginning of my photography journey it gives me hope that even the very best experience some down time every now and again.
    Go rest, watch Anne of Green Gables and love your babies and hubby. You will find it again, you will balance again, but take this time to put all the stress in a little box, pack it in the corner and just relax.
    Thanks again for sharing, you are a true inspiration!

  31. A walk in the woods. I too don’t like to just sit, although sometimes I know that is just what I need. What sometimes helps me to unwind and center myself is to be in nature. Not necessarily something difficult, but just something beautiful and different. Something I have recently become aware of is that I often pray a lot about stuff and then I don’t really wait and listen for God to answer. I watched something recently (NOOMA video by Rob Bell entitled Noise – check it out) that talked about all the noise that we are bombarded with in our life. How to get 1 hour of actual silence recorded it takes thousands of hours of recording. That along can cause us stress. Phones ringing, tv on, radio playing, cars, planes, tax machines, copiers . . . the list goes on. Being able to remove ourselves from all this exterior noise so that we can really and truly hear God talking to us . . . that is priceless. Being out in nature allows me the silence I need to hear God, to be in his creation and just be. Nothing else required of me.

    A nice walk that is beautiful, quiet, and not difficult is Spruce Railroad Trail around lake cresent. Wonderful. There are many others though – the book 101 Day Hikes:Olympic Peninsula is a great source.

    Another great place for a weekend away – Sun Mountain Lodge in Winthrop. My husband and I went there a few years ago for a weekend. No tv, just soaking in magnificent views while relaxing in one of their two spas, enjoying their fabulous food, hiking in the hills, a wonderful place.

    One last place that I have loved for years – Stehikan. It is at the tip of Lake Chelan. You can only get there by boat, float plane or hiking in. There is a Lodge up there and you get get a room with no television or phones. You can go on hikes during the days and enjoy magnificent food at the bakery. There are also some ranches up there that have horse riding, rafting (in the summer), snow shoe hikes (in the winter) and more. A place to go and get away from all that is bombarding us here in Noiseville.

    I pray you are able to find what you need to get the rejuvination that you so deserve.

  32. Me Ra,
    Thank you so much for what you write. I know how much it inspires me and grounds me…. but WOW… can you even believe how many of us you help with your willingness to share your deepest thoughts? You let us see your soul, thank you. You are a blessing, even on your darkest days. I will pray for you.

  33. jen sulak says:

    yea so yesterday…after part-pity parties…being alone at the house…having no one book for the next couple of weeks…i’m feeling like a loser…but i talk to God about it…and said WHATEVER! you created the opportunities…you help me bump into the folks i need to bump into. then i get a call from my photo friend…who just wants to play. Yep, just play w/ his new ring light…i don’t have to do anything but laff, talk about it and pose for pictures. Then on top of that…last nite driving to church…i got my new “theme” to work on…how long will i do this? No clue. What will happen as i go? I dunno…but i just know that being here home alone kidna sux sometimes, but i’m learning to take the me time…and still balance house & hubby. 🙂 No, u aren’t alone. 🙂 *smile* have a super day!

  34. Kate says:

    Oh MeRa, you are so so so not alone. Sometimes I feel like I am going 100 miles an hour in 50 different directions and still do not seem to fit it all in. I think as women we tend to try and do it all. I think I have even heard you talk about that in one of your classes (truth or dare). I am the same way; always going going going. Sometimes on a Saturday morning my husband will look at me like I am crazy because at 7am I am talking about what we need to do that day. It is hard for me to sit and do nothing. My brain is always moving and two steps ahead of where ever I am.
    Prayer helps for sure, just to keep me sane sometimes. Then there are the trips to the mall for what I call “mall air”. Most of the time just wandering around not really buying anything, just needing that “mall air.” Something different about the air there than at my house. Here in San Diego our malls are outside so it is really good mall air. LOL I also find just hanging with my best girl friends for a little wine and chatting is very therapeutic. This past weekend me and my 8 high school girls friends (some of us have been friends for over 30 years)and I had a sleep over; just us gals – no kids no hubbies. Just wine and jammies. We came from all over the states. It was so lovely. It made me very thankful for the friends I have.
    Time out for MeRa is my best advice. Glass of wine and the movie P.S. I love you would be good. Playing tag with the kids or make believe.
    I will say a little prayer for you tonight Mera, you will find your peace and creativity again I promise.
    Stay strong sister!! (crying is perfectly okay by the way) us women need to cry it is part of our make up. 🙂

  35. Debi says:

    My Dear Me Ra
    You are not alone! On Wednesday we turned our 15 year old son over to Children’s Hospital for help. After months of depression, suicide talk and general teen hormonal stuff we finally found a program he can succeed with. It’s a day clinic with doctors who can get a clear view of medication need, teachers who will get him back on track with his classes, therapist who will help him understand and teach him coping skills. I looked at all they had to offer him and wondered if they would take me too. I am overwhelmed. After months of dealing with his needs and moods it was such a relief driving away Wednesday — yet I felt so guilty for feeling that way. Mom’s should be able to kiss away their kids boo-boo and this one I couldn’t.

    The Christmas tree has been up since Saturday yet the ornaments are still in their boxes. I’m telling everyone we are letting the kittens get use to the tree before we dress it up. I have nothing bought — but I do have wrapping paper 🙂 Tomorrow after we drop him off at the clinic I’ll go shopping, take myself out to lunch and be among real people again. I don’t know if that will help but it certainly can’t hurt! I’m tired of crying, tired of worrying, just plain tired.

    You are not alone and somehow we will all make it through stronger than before. Tomorrow will be better, the mojo will return. As my grandmother liked to say “all in good time”

  36. Kim says:

    Without a doubt – for me it all came to a head this week when I jammed a staple into my thumb while trying to get at my prescription medications – for a back spasm I probably got due to stress. This word stress – people use it a bunch, but someday I’d like to get a really good definition that delineates how much we can attribute to “the world” and how much we can attribute to us. Your words “I cried so much the house flooded” was exactly what happened when I jammed that staple into my thumb. I relate!

  37. ~Christie says:

    I completely understand Me Ra! I am leaving tomorrow morning to start a whirlwind three weeks where we are going to celebrate Christmas in three different states. I am traveling by myself with my eight month old son who hasn’t slept more than 4 hours straight in two months. We have two ornaments on our Christmas tree….yes, only two on the whole tree! And I could barely find time to do that! I am so tired it’s an effort just to keep my body in motion. I feel like crying all the time. Definitely not how I want to feel on the eve of my favorite holiday of the year! I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I received great comfort in reading your post and all the wonderful comments. Thank you!

  38. Jennifer says:

    Oh my gosh, I know what if feels like to almost feel guilty by not “doing” all the time. When we do what we love, it’s hard to justify the need for time off, right?! Wrong.

    I totally broke last February. I was a wedding vendor mixer, and another photographer friend of mine who I hadn’t seen a while, asked how I was doing. And I lost it! Right there in the quiet of the dimmly lit (thank God!) room where music was playing and people were dancing. She was so concerned. I just looked and her and told her “I’m sorry for crying…but I’m just so tired.” Stretched too thin. Doing too much. And this year has been a real learning experience for me in how to relax. I don’t normally even relax during massages – but I still get them – why you ask – to practice relaxing. How stupid is that!?! But therapeutic.

    I haven’t hit the wall since but I really have had to learn how to re-balance. I’m still a workaholic – and we hit another wall in June, when after shooting a long wedding, Cory (my hubby) and I got home at midnight and somehow he proceeded to pick a fight. After an hour of yelling at each other, it boiled down to him saying “you work to much”. This particular fight stemmed from my normal practice (and desire) to give my clients (and myself really) immediate gratification of seeing some of their wedding day images on my blog by the very next day. And after shooting all day on a Saturday, he didn’t want to “lose me” on our Sunday together. He wanted time together the next day. I exclaimed “why didn’t you just say that to start with!” since I agreed – I saw his point. I didn’t need to post my story the next day – it could wait a week. Honestly, it could wait a month. Life is too short and I needed the reminder that I need to live my life too.

    Now, I read. WHAT?!?! I actually read books. I’ve read at least 6 this year. That’s a record for me. I’ve made working out and losing weight a priority again in my life and go to my trainer 2-3x a week. We’ve been camping this year 3x.

    And I agree with Jessica. A walk in the woods. Listen to the silence. Embrace it. Love it. It will love you back Me Ra.

  39. Denise says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. Whenever I get burnt or my creative juices run dry – I always try to learn something new. If you’re struggling with creativity in photos, try painting – it’s a fresh new art form where none of your creative resources have been tapped – then you’ll have a renewed sense of creativity when you pick up your camera again. 🙂

    Or maybe as my mom would say, “are you starting your period soon?” lol 😛

  40. annie says:

    wow.. I am really glad you shared this.. cause I read your blog and wonder how you do it all. Well, it’s good to know you are human too.

    puppies+remodeling+working+christmas = stress (duh!)

    hey, that’s A LOT of stuff.. sometimes I feel burned out cause I have to go to the grocery store AND target in the same day. Life just catches up with you sometimes.

    I have been in a constant state of panic and annoyance at my panic for the past month. My jaw hurts from the clenching. I’m mad at myself, my business partners, my clients, my family.. for no good reason. I am doing the best I can here and that’s it. Learn the lesson of today and move on to tomorrow. So easily said, so hard to do.

    I have been decorating the house for christmas while my toast toasts in the toaster, while my microwave meal cooks in the microwave, while waiting for the water to boil for the macaroni and cheese. Needless to say.. things are way behind in my home and its bothering me. I like to give my kids a magical environment, and I’m slacking big time.

    so in all this rambling.. i mean to say.. I feel ya, I feel ya.

    a

  41. amber says:

    just praying for you. truly.

  42. […] you for all the AMAZING comments on yesterday’s post. One, it’s so freeing to know your not alone. Two, it’s even better to feel loved […]

  43. Karolina says:

    You have officially burned the candle at both ends. . . take a vacation!!!! no computer, no blackberry or iphone. . . no anything. . . (camera is allowed)
    If you don’t take a vacation, (at least seven days) you will just feel more and more behind until you do. . .
    It’s just the way of the world. . . it gives you time to clear your head. . .
    these things have to be scheduled too. . . just like a workshop. . .
    hope to hear about it when you get back!!!!

  44. Sara says:

    Oh how I Identify with you!!! I will pray your spirit is refreshed this weekend and your shoot on Monday turns out more beautiful, more fun, more creative, more fulfilling then you could EVER imagine. God is so good and he is so faithful. I don’t doubt he will do this for you!
    THANKS for your honesty. It’s beautiful!

  45. Julie Watts says:

    Sometimes we need to lie “fallow” like the fields so we can let the creative desire spring out at us again naturally. I think we all have an abudant flow of creativity, but it’s draining to be continually tapping it. Go back to R&D. Go to the library and look at old portrait collections or art books. Admire and notice the waves of inspiration that all artists experience from time to time! Then go swimming for pleasure, not for laps…

  46. jen sulak says:

    mera, just for fun…u should watch this wonderfully funny karaoke of enrique iglesias.
    FUNNY STUFF. (itz my friend chuck)

    http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=9430389

    itz sooooooo funny.
    *laff* 🙂 if anything, when u deal w/ stuff…man, find someone to make you laff! lol!!!!!!!!!!

  47. It is certainly no fun to feel that way. I’m sorry you’re feeling it right now! I’m glad you’re not stuffing it all in and trying hide behind a false exterior…that’s the worst. Thanks for being real and sharing your vulnerabilities with the world. You are a brave woman and despite the way you’re feeling I think of you as strong.

    I feel the same way right now. We have NO money and by that I mean negative money…so depressing. All of our money is going towards my hubby’s restaurant. I pray he is able to open it next week or God will need to drop us a bag of money from the sky! What’s got me most is a serious pregnancy condition that could take the life of our child if not handled very carefully. I finally broke down and let the world know and asked for prayer. What’s getting me through is knowing that hundreds of people are praying for us right now. I feel so covered!

  48. jen flake says:

    I hope typing this post helped you because it sure helped me to read it. Just to know that I am not the only sane person out there who feels like I am going insane! Oh and I really had to laugh about the nativity donkey not needing both ears because that is EXACTLY what happened when my girls “helped” set up our nativity scene. Luckily it’s a WalMart $10 one. I keep the nice one WAY up high……and Anne of Green Gables….can I tell you how silly I have felt lately being 28 years old with my nose stuck in “Anne’s House of Dreams”? If you haven’t read the series lately DO! There’s another book by a different author (you’ll have to look it up) It’s called, “Before Green Gables”. Start with that one then go through the whole series again…highly recommend it. Anyhow…so I am way off track….oh well….

    Gotta go bake cookies for my hubby to take into the office tomorrow. Not in the baking mood but somehow I can’t bear to send him to work with store bought ones.

    Take care and Merry Christmas! 🙂

  49. Jill says:

    The world (and Oprah) say to do something for yourself to feel better. God says “do something for others”…this is hard to think about doing when, as a mother, you spend most of your life doing things for others. My suggestion go do something crazy for someone else. Go to a grocery store and randomly buy someone’s groceries. Leave a an unsigned encouragment note for someone you hardly know. Buy a toy for a kid and leave it on their doorstep. I don’t know why, but this formula works and it is long lasting.

  50. Sarah Wolfe says:

    Me Ra,
    I have been to your website and blog countless times and referred countless friends and aspiring photographers to your site for DVD’s, helpful info. and great images. This is maybe the first time I’ve ever commented- but I so resonate with your feeling of absolute and total creative exhaustion. I don’t think I feel anything more despairing than that loss of inspiration. I started my own photography business 4 years ago as a side job- I’m an art teacher full-time. It quickly grew to dozens of wedding, engagement, baby, family, and senior shoots. I was really flattered because all of my business came from referrals by happy clients- I was BEYOND busy. However, I was way BEYOND happy also. The stress of weddings would keep me awake and worried for days ahead of time. What if I miss the kiss? What if my camera breaks? What if the memory card doesn’t record? Totally unreasonable worries but still quite troubling. On top of all of this, I was still teaching full-time and getting my Master’s degree in Education. Sheesh! Can we say overcommitted? I made the decision with the help of my wonderful husband to stop doing weddings all together and I’ve just gone through the first year of NO WEDDINGS! I don’t regret it at all- I’m not cut out for weddings- too stressful. 🙂 The problem is, I’ve lost my love of photography. Somewhere, somehow, in the midst of having to be creative all day with my students, having to come up with countless poses or funny comments to make a client laugh, creative ways to shoot so someone looks their best- I just lost my love of photography. I feel now like my camera is a dreaded obligation instead of a creative outlet. As I come into 2009, I feel that immense sense of unrest. I feel really dissatisfied with my job- both teaching and photography. So, when you “dumped”- I resonated with it, deeply. As I’ve gone through this past year of de-toxing 🙂 from weddings, I’ve found that my soul is so hungry for God. And the most beautiful thing of all- I don’t have to come up with a creative word or image to be in the presence of God. I just sit. I just rest. I just listen. (and usually I just cry. 🙂 God is good like that, huh? I think I’m “tanked” too… and need to refuel myself with God’s love and promises before I can continue to draw from my well of creativity. Right now, it’s pretty used up. I’m amazed at how many people have commented feeling the same way I do. Do you ever feel like your treading water? Waiting for the go ahead to swim in a certain direction? I’m there… I think. Anyway, I’m sending this out to the mass void of comments and blog world to say- I’m with ya- tanked, tired, and unfortunately too busy to do much about it right now! 🙂 2009 will bring much needed clarity, I pray, and a serious attempt at weeding the unnecessary or extraneous stuff out of my life; More time for basking in the presence of God, loving my family well and often, and taking some time out to just be- and maybe a photo workshop to see if that can spur some camera-love back into me.

    Peace to you now in the New Year, and rest… it seems that it gets more elusive the older we get.

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  52. Backgammon says:

    excelente famotelha mi bavido te cobida ribes tival. aforrogi te semon rantos nos ssuinho o erestrico convito esuno bien.

  53. Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. ~W.C. Fields